being “special”…

I skipped kindergarten. So I was the youngest kid in my grade my entire life. I don’t really know the details of it considering I was four or five years old at the time. But essentially I was told I can read “above average” for my age and then I was figuratively thrown to the wolves. The “wolves” being first grade. For as long as I can remember I felt out of place or just really awkward. It was pretty obvious I was the youngest one there. The bullying from other students was there and it and it did get to me at times. Causing a lot of anger issues and crying for a few years. Nonetheless I tried my best. From Elementary to Middle School I don’t remember much because I’ve blocked out a lot and it feels like a blur to be completelty honest. The thing I remember the most is being told how “special” or “smart” I am. Constantly from a young age I was told about how “intelligent” I am or how I’m “going places” from either family or teachers. And I would just smile and say “thank you.” Don’t get me wrong being told all those things felt great. But I think where my downfall came from was I was basing my self worth and any form of happiness based on that. I became so obsessed with being “intelligent” it messed up everything around me. On my report cards it would be a lot of A’s and a few B’s but most often it would “has trouble with not talking in class” or “keeps talking out of turn.” I was so desperate to prove that I was actually everything these people have been telling me most of my life. So I would always raised my hand in class, speak over people, or do more than what was asked of me on assignments. And I realize now it was a lose-lose situation, No one wanted to be friends with me because I would make them feel stupid sometimes and I was lonely because no one wanted to be my friend. But still I continued to do the absolute most. So I was doing great academically and horrible socially. I am now in college and thankfully I’m not like this as much anymore, but that voice is still sometimes in the back of my head. Telling me “you’re not living up to your potential” or “you were so smart when you were younger, what happened?” It’s a lot to deal with. I want to be a writer or a journalist one day. I just want to create or do something meaningful. So because of all the things I’ve done in my adolescence when it comes to school I feel nothing I do will ever measure up. I made it already, I graduated high school and started college at 17 years old. The “gifted kid” expectations aren’t as prominent anymore and yet I still hold myself to that standard constantly. So as a result I get this paralyzing anxiety and I don’t work to the best of my ability. So that feeling of “being special” is no longer existence. I’m thankful for all the opportunities I was given and all the things I’ve experienced but I feel like I have essentially no personality now. So the question I ask myself constantly is was I really “special” or was I just average and good at pretending to be?